I feel as if the situation I am in now is an accurate metaphor for my life as a whole.
And that makes me angry. And sad. Frustrated. Discouraged. Overwhelmed. And even angrier because I feel all those things.
Four weeks ago, I said to my husband - "I need to get out Halloween costumes made. I do not want to be working on them the night before Halloween. Because that's how it goes every year and I want this year to be different."
Two weeks ago I said, "I really need to get those costumes made. Which means we need to get supplies."
I was told at that time that Halloween was a whole two weeks away and we would do what we needed to do next weekend - which as of today, was last weekend.
Today is Thursday. Tomorrow is our Halloween party and Sunday is Halloween.
Do I have costumes made? No. Do I have supplies for our costumes? No.
What I have is a pile of old t-shirts and quilting fabric strewn across the living room floor, along with the pile of hair I pulled out while racking my Muddled Mommy Brain for ideas.
Ah... yes. I should have just accepted that this was going to happen. Let me take this moment to stick my tongue out at myself and say, "Haha! I told you so!"
You see, it's not that I forgot. It's not that I haven't tried.
It's the lack of time. It's the lack of energy. It's the lack of creativity thanks to this neverending fog that I walk around in. I think, most importantly, it's the lack of support.
I don't understand why my goals are so unimportant.
For a long time, I just accepted it that there are a billion goals that need to be accomplished and mine are just among the ones that don't get done. But I'm beginning to realize that mine are rarely at the top of "The List". In order to get them done, it's a fight to tooth and nail and sleep deprivation and frustration.
By the time that my goals DO get brought into the light - such as tonight - I am so exhausted, so scatterbrained, that I cannot think to work. I can muster the energy, sure - but this takes brain power - and I don't have it.
So here I am. In bed. Writing, because I must get this out. I must find a solution, before I fall into some deep, dark postpartum depression where I have to pay some expensive shrink to tell me - "You need to make time for you." (Which is so, so much easier said than done.)
In case you're wondering about the Halloween costumes - I think we will be fine. My landlord left me a pair of handmade GORGEOUS butterfly wings, which I will pair with a LBD and some yard hair. Sprout will wear his plaid overalls with yarn "straw" and be a scarecrow. I think The Man will be a clown, but that's still up in the air. I won't lie - I work fairly well under pressure. I will make an effort to post pics when all is said and done. :)
